Living with others: How to keep the peace

Posted by: Megan on July 21st, 2009

Most adults have lived with roommates at least once in their lifetime. At the very least, you’ve probably shared a dorm room or a house when you were in college.

I’ve had lots of roommates—I’ve lived with more than 20 people in the past 10 years. I’m not exaggerating either. I’ve lived with 16 different people since I’ve moved to New York 3 years ago! I currently live with 4 girls in an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. Many people say to me: How the hell do you live with that many people? I don’t know how you don’t get on each others’ nerves!

A lot of my friends live in less trendy and somewhat seedy neighborhoods in order to avoid having to live with a roommate. I’d rather be in a good central location than isolated on the outskirts of the city, but that’s me.

For the most part, I’ve had pretty good experiences with my roommates. Not everyone can live with roommates, but I frankly get bored living alone. I like having someone to talk to when I get home from work or someone to go out with once in awhile. And in Manhattan, living with others just makes financial sense.

That being said, I just finished having the worst roommate experience of my life. We had a roommate, whom we shall refer to as Corinne. Corinne was of the bipolar nature. She was an awkward and highly sensitive person who was somewhat afraid of controversy. She would say that things didn’t bother her at the time, only to throw them back into our faces later. The problem with pretending that things don’t bother you when they really do is that your anger/frustration eventually builds up so much, that you end up exploding and potentially acting in an infantile way. Corinne actually got very angry one night and was banging on the door of my other roommate with such violent intensity that it was scary. Fortunately, she moved out a few days later. Thank God.

I’m writing this article to let others know a) how to be a good roommate and b) how to avoid getting into a bad living situation with someone like Corinne.

Tips for living with roommates:

Be courteous and honest always. If you don’t like that your roommate leaves dirty dishes in the sink, tell them but always in a polite way. We had to tell one of our roommates multiple times to pick her hair up out of the shower, but she eventually got the point. Don’t assume that people know that they’re being rude. We all have different ideas of what is considered ‘rude.’ In the case of ‘hair in the shower’ girl, she was just simply clueless.

Before moving into a place, figure out what you’re willing to accept and not accept from a roommate. Also, figure out what they’re willing to accept and not accept from you. Discuss how the living situation will go beforehand, even if you’re moving in with a good friend. “Are you going to care if I smoke weed in the apartment?” “Do you mind if my boyfriend stays over on the weekends occasionally?”

Even if you’re in a bind to find a place, take a night to think it over. With Corinne, we needed someone desperately and quickly to sign a lease the day after we had an open house as we had to leave a prior residence due to a fire. That was a very rare case though. There were warning signs of her incompatibility with us as roommates; we just didn’t listen to them due to our stressful situation.

If you’re living with people you didn’t know beforehand, do not expect to be buddies with them. Even if the roommate in question is a friend of your friend, it doesn’t mean that you two are also going to be pals by extension. Trust me. Don’t get offended by it either. Some people are just going to do their own thing. They’ll have casual conversation with you when they’re around, but you’re not necessarily going to become bosom buddies. There were plenty of people that I lived with whom I got along with well enough at the time, but we just didn’t hang out or bond enough to justify keeping in contact after we moved out. In fact, of the bazillion people that I’ve lived with, only 4 became really good friends.

As a rule of thumb, a place will never be kept neater than in the condition in which it was shown to you. If a place was a mess when you saw it, then it will always be a mess. Even if they say, “I’m sorry about the mess, it’s not usually like this.” I know that one from firsthand experience. That was the line that a former roommate, Michelle, gave me. Michelle was the second worst roommate I ever had. This girl was so messy in her own room that she habitually slept in the living room. Her bras were everywhere literally and she eventually got a yappy dog that pooped everywhere. This incident happened at a place that I chose to live in without thinking it over for a night. (It wasn’t all bad though. I met one of my closest friends living at that residence.)

In conclusion, living with roommates can be a good experience. You can live in a better neighborhood or in a bigger apartment than you would’ve been able to afford otherwise. You also have someone to split utility bills with. Just be smart when looking for roommates and always, always be courteous and honest in any living situation.