Mel’s Getting Married: Recruiting and Outfitting Your Army

Posted by: Mel on September 10th, 2009

Well ladies, Hope has asked me to do a series of wedding planning articles as I go through my personal planning process. By series I mean she wants me to do one a MONTH until my actual date! Hot diggity damn! So, when deciding on a topic for the second installment, I thought it pertinent to discuss two of the most important decisions a bride (and groom) must make that shape not only the entire wedding day, but all festivities leading up to the big day: attendants and colors.

I won’t lie. Since I’ve been engaged I’ve been more than addicted to theknot.com and I regularly read the message boards. If I had a nickel for every time some chick started flipping out about an M.I.A. bridesmaid she wanted to oust from the wedding party, or “OMG, I want to have a fuchsia and chartreuse wedding but I’m getting married in the winter!!!!!!1!! What do I do???!??!!” I’d be a rich woman. Personally, neither decision was difficult in the slightest for me, but the color scheme will determine all of your aesthetic decisions (cake, centerpieces, bridesmaid dresses, flowers, etc.) and as with any other major event, having a strong support system determines how easy (and fun) the planning process will be. The following are the most helpful hints that I’ve found, both as a bridesmaid and as a bride-to-be.

Recruiting the Army
Do the math. Talk with your fiancé and figure out between the two of you how large you want your bridal party to be. Do you actually want an army/football team, flanked by ten or more people on each side, complete with multiple flower girls, junior bridesmaids/groomsmen, and ring bearers? On the other extreme, perhaps you each just want one or two attendants. Technically, you don’t need any attendants at all, if you’re having a very intimate affair (just two witnesses to sign the marriage certificate). I’ve even heard it said that you don’t have to have equal sides if it just doesn’t work out that way. The way I see it, this is a matter of personal preference. In all of the weddings I’ve stood up in, I’ve been one of four or five bridesmaids. For our wedding, Scott and I will have two attendants for each of us and one flower girl. Relatively speaking, we are having a smaller sized wedding, so it just didn’t make sense to have a large wedding party. I decided to ask my two girls because they’re the two friends I’ve known the longest; being Scott’s second marriage, he chose his two closest friends in the area over his comrades from high school or college. Our flower girl is my goddaughter and the daughter of my matron of honor, and both of them are more like family than friends. Had we decided to not invite children the wedding, there would be no flower girl. We don’t feel like hearing, “The flower girl can be here but my kid can’t?”

Don’t feel obligated. Don’t use the “Well I was in Janie’s wedding so I need to ask her to be in my wedding” logic. Depending on how many weddings you’ve been in, you might end up with a gargantuan bridal party when you don’t want one. Similarly, don’t let someone guilt trip his or her way into your party either. You may have promised your BFF from third grade a spot in your bridal party. Guess what? You’re not in third grade anymore and even if you still keep in touch with said friend you may not be close enough to ask her to be one of your leading ladies. This applies to family members as well. I love my cousin dearly, but she lives in Florida and at best I see her (and speak to her, for that matter) once a year. I think it just makes sense to chose the friend I religiously spend my Friday evenings with over her.

Choose your best friends. This might seem a bit common sense, but it kind of goes along with the aforementioned pieces of advice. I’ve been in weddings where there’s been at least one bridesmaid who doesn’t want to play well with others, not necessarily in a mean and malicious fashion, but in a non-participatory and indifferent manner. For crying out loud, one of your best friends is getting married! Make it the time of her life, for her sake! You cannot uninvite a bridesmaid or a groomsman. Period. Similarly, if one of you girls dinks on you and uninvites herself, you cannot call a backup friend. How crappy would you feel if you found out you were a second string bridesmaid? No thank you. For this reason, even if you have your bridal party picked out soon after your engagement, WAIT to actually ask them and stew on it for awhile! This could save you a ton of aggravation down the line. If your closest friend(s) is/are male, have a man of honor or a bridesman. Likewise, if your fiancé has a close female friend, he should have a groomswoman (or multiple). You want those who are nearest and dearest to you backing you up on one of the most significant days of your life. Just think about who those people are when you’re choosing your bridal party (as your fiancé should do when choosing his attendants).

Choosing your Team Colors
Make sure you reeeeeeally like your wedding color scheme. Again, seems like common sense, but not only will you be looking at your wedding colors throughout your planning process as you choose and pick up your décor, but you’ll see them in your pictures for years to come. Time and again, frequent posters on theknot.com advise girls who are concerned about matching their color schemes to the seasons of their weddings to chose colors they like regardless of the season. I concur. Personally, my October 2010 wedding is going to be a big fat fall celebration and our color scheme reflects that. If you want to do hot pink and black on Christmas Eve, do it. Ice blue and silver on Labor Day? More power to you. Go with what you like, it’s your day. That being said…

Please, for the love of God, take those involved in the wedding into consideration. Your groom might not give a rotten rat’s rectum about what colors you chose, since much of wedding planning is “girly stuff.” Throughout this whole process, even if he doesn’t care about a certain aspect of the wedding, I’ve asked Scott’s opinion, starting with the colors. Originally we were going to have less formal attire for all involved, which meant Scott wearing nice pants (probably khakis) with a dress shirt and tie. Ergo, I wanted to make sure he was comfortable in the colors he would have to wear. Right away, he vetoed my chocolate brown and light blue vision. He hated it, and he did not want to wear either of those colors. After running through different variations and permutations (and making Scott’s brain hurt in the process), we decided on deep red, chocolate brown, and light brown, which works beautifully for Fall Fest 2010. I have to implore any and all brides to be, pretty please, with sugar on top, KEEP YOUR WEDDING PARTY IN MIND!!!!!!!!!!! They have to wear the colors. The girls in your bridal party will have to purchase dresses in the appropriate color. Don’t make them buy dresses in a color that will look terrible on any or all of them just because you love it. Even if peach fizz looks smashing on your girls, they might not like the color. How pissed would you be if someone made you spend $150 (give or take), plus alteration costs, on a dress that you’d never wear again? I’ve been there, done that, and still own the monstrosity. You wouldn’t buy a wedding dress that you aren’t comfortable in to wear for the entire day of your wedding. Don’t put your girls (or guys) through the same kind of torture.

There are several solutions to this problem. First option: if you want them all in the exact same color, go shopping with the girls and have them agree on a shade. We did this for my friend Brenda’s wedding; I was the one with the problem skin tone, being almost transparently white. She wanted purple. Victorian lilac was flattering against my gleaming whiteness and on the other three ladies as well. Sold! Second option: chose a color and let each girl get her own, in whatever shade she wants. Trust me, this looks FANTASTIC! My friend Emily did this for her wedding and we looked like a variegated dream! She did want to okay the dress before purchase, and two of the five of us actually ended up re-using a dress from a previous wedding. Option three: the little (or long) black dress. Some people freak out because black is too depressing for a wedding. Codswallop. Black is elegant, classy, and reusable. My friend Kelly (my matron of honor) did this for her Christmastime evening wedding, and it was stunning. Summer or spring wedding? Go for black tea length dresses and add a pop of color either with the flowers or a sash. In all of the above scenarios, I’d also suggest having each girl chose her own style of dress so that she picks something that flatters her.

Inspiration Board from: theperfectpallete.blogspot.com

What about the venue? I’ve read where you should make sure that the colors you pick match the décor of the ceremony and reception sites. Honestly, I haven’t seen too many places that are not neutrally decorated, so I’m not sure how this would be an issue. Nevertheless, if it’s going to grind your gears to see your favorite canary yellow color next to the hunter green carpet of your reception site, opt for something else. Not sure what goes well together? Go check out paint chips at Walmart or Home Depot and see what combos you like. Still stuck? An interior designer Knottie (someone who frequents theknot.com) has developed several inspiration boards with different color combinations for those who are color challenged: theperfectpallete.blogspot.com. Heck, I have my colors picked out but I love poking around to see what she comes up with! If you’ve got an idea, from what I understand, you can email her and she’ll do up an inspiration board for you.

Your wedding is your and your fiancé’s day. Do whatever is going to make you happiest and cause you the least amount of stress. Chose colors you love so it will be easy to color coordinate everything you need to. Don’t get so caught up in your personal vision that you overlook the others involved in making your big day fantastic. Most importantly, make sure you have a good, solid support system in your corner to make the whole process enjoyable!

Editors Note: For more details on the making of Mel’s wedding, and additional photos please visit her MyWedding page. A free website where any bride to be can create her own page to share with family and friends.